almost-sane's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Knowing I don�t know when things started to change. I don�t know when I stopped loving to write. Oh sure, I get a sudden surge every now and then. There�s no disputing when I have a good idea, it�s GOOD, and I can hardly contain myself before I get some notes down. But it used to be every night with me. In my senior year, my roommate finally conceded I could smoke in the apartment because my favorite position was in front of my computer, cigarette burning, Doritos at my side. It wasn�t uncommon for me to pull a near all-nighter, writing something or another. I don�t know when I stopped caring about my health. At the end of college, I was quite a big girl. I don�t know how much I lost in the early stages but when I officially started dieting, I lost about 65 pounds. I hadn�t felt that happy about how I looked in such a long time- I last looked that �good� when I was 13, I suppose. I don�t know why I am in denial. My car accident could have been fatal. That I flew across a 5-lane freeway during lunch hour and hit nothing� is a miracle. I don�t know how to wrap my mind around that. It�s not real. Sure, my back hurts, my neck, I�m not sleeping, but these are all minor injuries, ya know? So I don�t know why I am not ready to drive with passengers or why I get paranoid on the roads and freeways now. Now, here is what I do know. I know I miss New York. When I am walking down the street, window-shopping, on my way to see someone, rushing to the subway- I�ve never been as happy as I am in that moment. I know I feel calm in the big scary city. I know that more than anything, I miss my friends there. I know some day, I�ll go back. I know that I have debt I need to pay off. I was never supposed to be one of those people who used her credit cards like inconsequential rights of passage. I know at some point, I decided I wanted what I wanted and damn it all to hell, I had credit to get it for me. So I know I love my expensive things but I know I feel guilty almost half the time I look at them. I know I am calmer than I used to be but not in a good way. Because I know there was a time when I�d make to-do lists and not worry so much about what was on the Tivo. I know I think a lot these days- a lot more than I used to. Problem is, that seems to be all I do. Everything I think about fizzles and I never have a second thought about it. Luckily, when I had these thoughts, I knew to get them out. Not for any reason cause I don�t feel bothered by any of it. Which is probably sad in some way, but that doesn�t seem to be bothering me either. Tonight, someone asked me what I want in life and I said I didn�t know. And that did bother me. Maybe it�s normal to not know, maybe it isn�t. All I know is for me, it�s actually unsettling. But then, I am not the emotional being I used to be. I�m not as tempremental, I�m not as stressed, I�m not as paranoid�. I suppose, the thing that I realize is that really, I just am. And that�s not enough for me. 10:51 A.M. - 05.13.05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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