almost-sane's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Left Story time! I dated A. on and off for Seven years. By the way, more off than on and when it was off, it was only because he left me without a word. And I let him do it 3 or 4 times before I learned that inevitably, men leave. Have you ever seen a really cute (I think) movie with Ashley Judd and Hugh Jackman called Someone Like You? Great quotes in that movie- highly underrated (although the book it is based on, Animal Husbandry was even more fabulous).
"There are few things sadder in this life than watching someone walk away after they've left you, watching the distance between your bodies expand until there's nothing... but empty space and silence." And, most noteworthy:
Jane: I can't. Eddie: Why? Jane: Because I was happy. Because if this theory is wrong, men don't leave all women, Eddie, they leave me. Eddie: I know it hurts. I know. It's so hard to believe that something that wonderful can ever happen to us again. Well, if that isn't truth in film, what is? (See: April 1st Entry for a most poignant example of my retardedness.) So A. left me. And he didn't just leave like "so long, see ya, adios...," he left me ruined- yet unbeknownst to me for years to come. And so when Fucktard-Adam left me without a word of explanation, it hurt but it never surprised me. In fact, Arizona-Adam had been only minorly different in that he got me to break up with him so that he didn't have to explain why he wanted out. Other meaningless dates were scattered between my brief and many relationships; guys who didn't call after date 1 or 2. Some friends called me the 3-date wonder. Maybe as in, "wonder why they didn't call?" When Joe and I had a stellar first date, I thought for sure I'd hear from him. Even the ones I don't like don't call and that still bugs me. I couldn't even hold onto Gabe. And that was a purely sexual "relationship." I asked nothing of him except the random roll in the hay and he didn't ask anything of me. This was perfect for us for a long time. But then he too-- vanished. Well shit, if you're not seeing a pattern by now, go read something simpler- I am depressing myself with all these examples... This brings us to Mike. I met Mike a few months ago. We had to fun-tastic dates. Here is where I look bad: I dated Mike knowing he had a girlfriend. I was so desprately looking for attention that when Mike and I got to be friends and then he proposed a sexual experiment, I agreed. Things with his girlfriend were awful anyway and this somehow consoled me. But when Mike and I got to be even closer post-sex, I got to really liking him. And then he left. Of course. Since, foolishly, I'd told everyone about this great guy I'd met (in the back of my mind now, he was only mine) I met with major potential. Now that he was disappeared, I had to come up with something. I sure wasn't going to tell everyone I'd been ditched again. It was immensely embarassing by now. What I ended up telling people- and it wasn't THAT far from the truth- is that I found out he had a girlfriend and told him to kiss off. No one had to know I was aware of the girlfriend. Oh sure, it didn't paint a pretty picture of Mike- but that was the idea. And hadn't he been cheating on her with me anyway? Why did he need to look good in any lies I told? (Nevermind I was consentiing, etc.) A few days ago, I got an e-mail from Mike. It was about how sorry he was, about how he'd finally found a new job (he'd been unemployed last time I saw him), how he'd finally gotten up the nerve to tell his girlfriend it was over, how he's in the middle of apartment hunting now... Then he went on to say how much he'd really liked me and would like to see me if I was okay with that- no expectations implied. Lastly, he apologized for leaving. It was a very surprising and flattering e-mail. I wrote back that it was nice to hear from him, how was he, etc. The usual bogus idol chatter bull-shit. And we've been corresponding all day, every day since. At some point, I allowed myself to make plans to see him tomorrow night and then let it out that I was having a birthday party and would he like to come? It's not a huge deal but to all my friends that knew of him previously, this is the asshole that was a cheating bastard and why would I be with him again? Why would he be at my party? It ocurred to me to just come clean as needed, but if ever there was something that was easier said than done... So this has been weighing on my mind and I felt a need to vent. I needed catharsis. I need advice, too, if anyone has any on this massively confusing issue. 3:29 P.M. - 05.03.05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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