almost-sane's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 14 Drinks and a Funeral I was supposed to go to Vegas this weekend for my friend Becky's birthday. But Thursday afternoon I got word that my grandfather's girlfriend passed away from the Cancer that has been ravishing her body for quite some time now. It wasn't totally unexpected although the doctors had lead us to believe with her storng heart she had a few more months. But c'est la vie-- trip cancelled. I mean, the funeral is Sunday and I was never close to Mary, and I hate her psycho family but my grandfather is my hero so I am not about to abandon him when he needs my support. Here is the bizarre thing you gotta know about my grandfather's and Mary's relationship in relation to her family. They loved my grandpa. When the two of them met 13 years ago, my grandfather was embraced into her family like he was one of their own. They loved him. And granted we took some time in our family to warm up to Mary, but we were never awful to her. She was an ok lady. Best thing of all, they were financially independent of each other- Mary was a millionare and though not quite equally as wealthy, my grandfather has plenty of dough. Good for them both. So imagine my family's SHOCK when all of a suddent in the last year, Mary's family turned totally psychotic and started to go NUTSO on my grandpa and hate us all. My grandfather's girlfriend has this huge family- she started young. She has these 2 grandaughters- about 38 and 40. I call them "lips" and "cleavage" because the first has too much colagen, and the second has too much... guess? She wore a black suit with no top underneath so as to show off her magnificent bust... and one of those massive black church hats like the black women wear in the south? You know what I mean? At the funeral, cleavage gave a eulogy the likes of which I have never heard- it would make you ill if you are at all human (which she is most likely not- we're pretty sure she is sub-human). She gets up and goes on and on and on about how she was truly happy with her husband and he was her true love and whe he died, part of her died with him and how she would never be truly happy again. But then, she got a companion in my grandpa. But cleavage? She got a DOG while she waited for something better to come along. SHE GOT UP AND COMPARED MY GRANDPA TO A DOG, friends, a DOG! I walked out. How do you sit through something like that? My mother and my Aunt in tears. My brother with clenched fists. My father was appauled. Half the crowd looked sickened. Some of the family still loved my grandfather (there were scattered apologies later). SICK SHIT. Another disgusting eulogy from Lips and some dirty looks from other psycho family members. I could have killed The Nose- that's what I call Lips' dauther. She had a nose job at 16 worth $15,000. After the funeral, we went back to the penthouse my grandfather shared with Mary for Shiva. Stayed for a couple hours until people started to leave. Lips and The Nose (sounds like a mob family, no?) were at the door saying good-bye to guests. My father and brother, the more passive of us, left unscathed. My mother muttered to just hurry out and look away but as we were passing by the evil gruesome-twosome, Lips says quite clearly to her bratty bitchy offspring with a huge sigh "ugh, she's just as rude as her father." Well, we almost made it through the day. My mother spun around and very nearly got back to her except my father called after her and put a stop to it. I was stunned by that and shot thrm adity look. The BRAT- THE NOSE- called out "oh sure, give me one more dirty look and I'll slap youn in the face." And my brother, quite possibly the most passive human being on the planet, calls out "oh, that is it" and just took off for her ass. It was GREAT. And not wanting to miss out I went off "I am not missing out on that" and I was right behind him. I raised my arm but it was quickly caught by my father who also grabbed my brother. There was so much shotuing. From me, from Evan, Lips, The Nose, my parents, friends defending my family's honor- it was a mad, mad scene. All I remember myself saying is "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE" before my father got us all out of there. And I was shaking with fury. It was pure awful. It was sickening. It was just infuriating. And the rest of my weekend? Well, if it hadn't been for that morning, I might dare to say it was one of the best of my life- I didn't get to go to Vegas but the silver lining is that I was in town for Nichole's bachelorette party which was an absolute blast. This entry is so long already that you're all going to have to wait for those sordid details- so much alcohol... so much dancing on furniture.... To be continued. 10:51 A.M. - 09.27.04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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