almost-sane's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fear Avi left me (over and over). And that broke me. Josh scared me. Houman overwhelmed me. Steve disappointed me. Constantly. Adam disappeared. Mike Marko used me. And I am scarred from that. I continually let my guard down and attempted a bit of trust with these men, But, as you see, I was constantly hurting from this, always expecting that in the end, it would never end well. Adam is the easiest example (because I wrote pages and pages about Avi in here and I can't go through that hell again). I felt like I clicked with him right away. I latched right onto him but I always knew in the back of my mind that the feeling was not completely mutual. This was the first of what was to be a long line of the same pattern. And when he left, I wasn't at all surprised. Oh sure, I'd taken to calling him "my boyfriend" but only (I would say) because it was easier than saying "the guy I am dating." When my friends met him, and they asked him if he was "the boyfriend," I felt paniced and sensed the same in him. So, when he was gone, like I said, no tremendous shock. Hey, another one bites the dust. Whatever. Steve used me. He had no desire for anything more than a sexual relationship. He was much like Gabe but, in retrospect, without personality. And the best eyes in the world, by the way. Anyway, he was lousy in bed and all but useless in any other capacity, so dumping him wasn't really a "dump" as much as it was giving up. Josh was enamoured of me. And all too soon. Houman was the same way. My life was being planned for me- where we'd lived and work, how many kids we'd have. And that's certainly no way to start a relationship. At least, not as far as I am concerned. Marko and I were always going to be using each other for sex. I had no problem with it, really, but I knew that it wasn't going to develop into anything and that just never sat well with me. But he was always good to me within the universe we'd created so I hold no ill will toward him. In fact, our parting was probably the most amiable I've ever experience. I've known Michael Grant since New Year's Eve 2001. Apparently. While I was hooking up with his best friend, Brian, Mike was hooking up with Brian's live-in girlfriend, Jen. In my defense, I didn't know Brian was taken and Jen was planning to leave Brian for Mike. It was a very twisted web and I was stoned and drunk that night- I, thankfully, have very little memory of it. Mike and Jen broke up just 5 months later when they realized being more than friends was too weird for them. We didn't become good friends until June of 2003. The first prom. I saw he was playing darts and since I love the game, I invited myself to join him. We were inseperable the rest of the night, even at the after-party. We were outside on the balcony at K.'s old apartment all night. I loved talking to him. But I didn't live in this neck of the woods at the time and while Mike was in the bathroom, James told me it was time to go. Since I was crashing at his place, I had no choice. And I left without saying good-bye to my new crush. We actually ran into Mike in the hall and he let me kiss him on the cheek good-bye. I remember a rumor spread that he and I had slept together. I was embarassed by that- and I didn't want Jen to think I was after all her men. I let Mike go. We stayed friends. For a year and a half, Mike dated an acquaintance of mine, Heather. They broke up in January. A month ago, at a friend's party, Mike and I both got drunk and ended up in my friend's bed (not even touching- get your minds out of the gutter). We got to talking and we easily proved the fact that people can be entirely too honest when they're drunk. I should add, first, that even while Mike was dating Heather, I was always flirting with him, talking to him, and he had this thing about pinching my ass. When they broke up, Heather asked me not to date him for a while so she could more easily get over it. I thought she was being foolish but there we were in a bed, drunk, and spilling our guts out. And he asked to kiss me, I asked him to come sleep over. For the record, all we did, truly, was sleep. Oh, ok, we made out a little. A lot. And we've been dating ever since. On Saturday, for the first time, I heard Mike refer to me as his girlfriend. I have no problem with this but I can't stop thinking about it. Not in a gushy-I'm-so-happy way. I'm positively terrified. That's serious. Moreso than anyone else has been for me because, as Myra concluded today at work, I know this could go somewhere. This has potential. I am alreayd emotionally invested in it. I really like him. He's all I've been thinking about for weeks. I'm insane. And I'm not adapting well. Tonight I am setting a goal. I am getting past this. I have to because, really, for once, I am not willing to give up or let go or accept my dismal fate. I want him to stick around for a while. His faults don't bother me, they endear me to him more. Lord knows why! And he's so good to me. And I can never wait to hear the next words out of his mouth. He thinks he's rambling, but really, it's always interesting. And now I am rambling. No more fear of commitment. End. 12:20 P.M. - 06.21.05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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