almost-sane's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Up Tight Wednesday Night I really need to losen up! Last night, 3 of my neighbors and I went out for drinks and dinner at Mexicali and I found msyelf completely uptight. All I could think about is how late I could stay out and still get enough sleep so I wouldn't be a zombie today. Throughout the meal, our waiter was flirting with me and with Val and I felt like the biggest nerd in the world, like I was throwing myself at him. Anything I'd ever learned about flirting had totally escaped me for this evening. It got worse. After I suffered the humiliation of the waiter giving his number to Val (who, unbeknownst to the poor waiter, is engaged anyway), I got talked into going to a bar with the girls. One of them tried to fix me up with tall-dark-and-handsome but all I could do was make mindless conversation aboout meaningless topics. Flirting? What's flirting? I sat there with a pole up my ass while Mike moved onto Val and tried to get her number. Moral of this tale? No more going out with Val! And while I sat off to the side and sulked with the consolation Martini Valerie bought me, tall-dark-and-handsome's friends kept me company because they were just as shafted as I was that evening. Mr. Receeding-Hairline and the third musketeer, Mr. Cynic. We had a good time, making fun of how sad our evening had turned out, and we were getting alonmg quite famously. I suppose when I am not trying so hard, I can losen up. So is this the key? Not to try? And the hell do you consciously not try to do anything? Aye, there's the rub. And wouldn't you guess I'd go home with the Cynic's phone number. I can't win. I desperately wanna have a solid clique of girlfriends but I find myself competing with them. When K. and I had his birthday party Saturday night, the ebullience at the sigh of my boys turning out-- I spent the whole night with James, Todd, Matt, Tim, Loren, Matt, and Rory. Just me and my boys. And that's how I liked it. That's always how I am the most comfortable but that is never going to get me anywhere. Those boys are never going to see me as anything but a sister-type figure and while that's flattering, it can also be depressing at times. I'm a walking catch 22, right? What to do, what to do. My dad always says I'm just like his sister was with having s many guy friends. That I'll turn out just like her- still single at 40 with a sensational career and a fabulous single life. And that sounds great to me. Except then my Aunt got lonely and married el schmuck-o at 43 and he's the world's most failing human. Loneliness. My worst enemy. 1144 A.M. - 03.10.05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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